Jesus vs. the Vampires

This review was originally posted on Crap Filter.

[rating:4.5/10]

The lesbians are dying off and vampires are to blame. The vampires are harvesting skin for some wacked out scientist and they are choosing lesbians because no one will miss them. The local priests know they need to stop the vampires and in order to do so they need to enlist vampire enemy #1, JC himself. Two priests go to the lake (where Jesus is baptizing believers) in order to go recruit Christ’s help and when explaining the situation, vampires attack. Jesus turns it on and kicks ass, but the two priests die in the process. Jesus goes back to the city, meets Mary Magnum and she helps him gets a modern makeover so that he looks more like he fits in. Jesus proceeds to then kick vampire ass for another hour or so and in the end he brings some folks back to life, turns vamps back into humans, and facilitates lesbian love.

A truly touching story…

After much anticipation and a broken disc fiasco, Netflix finally sent me Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Though admittedly my expectations were low, it did meet (and possibly even slightly exceed) my expectations.

This film is the obvious biproduct of two things: bored Canadian punk kids and little to no budget. The film quality is reminiscent of 1970’s horror flicks and/or cheap porn, however, this actually enhances the film in my estimation. When I see a B-movie, it needs to look like a B-movie (movies like Bubba Hotep and virtually everything that Bruce Campbell has done recently seem to look to much like they are trying to be legitimate movies and therefore make me cringe, Bubba Hotep was one of the worst movies of all time!). Therefore, judging JCVH as what it is, it does a pretty great job at being a B-movie. The lines are dubbed poorly (which may or may not be intentional), the costumes are cheesy, the plot is outrageously weird and fun, and Jesus is a frickin’ vampire hunter. Damn hell ass!

I could go on longer about this movie and discuss it more, but why? You get the point. There is a Mexican luchador named El Santo (en ingles “The Saint”) who helps Jesus along the way and for that reason alone, this is a movie you need to see once, and most likely ONLY once. The basis of the story is funnier than the movie itself, but that’s okay, it’s still worth a watch. So call up a few lesbians and a couple of Jesus-freaks, pop some popcorn, and hunt some bloodsuckers. And for a bonus, the theme song is an awesome 80’s metal type tune about Jesus kicking ass.

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~ by thepaintedman on July 9, 2008.