Assuming all movies start out in my head somewhere around 6 or 7 stars (I try to go in optimistically), this one went in with 8. The concept was hilarious and my expectations about production value and plot were low, thus allowing me to grade on a nice steep curve. Unfortunately, it didn’t even live up to the low standard I was to be grading it on and by the mid point of the movie, my wife and I had it on but weren’t really paying too much attention.

So, we’ll do this review a bit differently, seeing as how my attention was in and out. Rather than a simple review, I’ll show you how I came up with my 3 star rating.

Starting Point: 8 stars.

-3 for Jesus having glued on facial hair (5)
+2 for Jesus in spandex superhero costume (7)
-4 for the annoying angels (3)
+2 for having the Antichrist be the NYC Parks Commissioner (5)
+2 for involvement of Vlad the Impaler (7)
-3 for involvement of Jim Morrison (4)
-1 for Richard Nixon being a supervillian (3)
+1 for Richard Nixon being a guy in a crappy Nixon mask (4)
-4 for the hideously annoying Klezmer soundtrack (0)
+3 for the following quote (3)

The crucifix is the symbol of Christianity? I HATED the crucifix! OUCH!

-2 for Jesus’s erectile stigmata (1)
+1 for Jesus destroying Adolf Hitler (2)
+2 for Jesus decreeing sex no longer a sin (4)
-1 for the sex decree thing going over the top (3)
+3 for being compared to JCVH (6)
-3 for not being nearly as cool as JCVH (3)

So there you have it, folks. Ultrachrist!… 3 stars. Bad, but not quite Freddie Got Fingered bad.

If you happened to see it, why not tell me what you think?


~ by thepaintedman on July 9, 2009.

One Response to “Ultracrap!”

  1. I didn’t see this. I didn’t hear of it till now. This review made me want to see it in all its shamelessly terrible glory.

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