An Article by an Actual Writer

I’m a mediocre writer at best. I blog about beer and music and whatever… but luckily for all of you, I have friends who can actually write. My friend Jenn is a published writer and a witty one at that. Enjoy this piece she did for me when I asked her to write about beer.

How to Drink Beer Like a Lady

by Jennifer Lejman

My Great Aunt Betty is 83-years-old and is quite the lady. Every day, though her husband is deceased and she rarely leaves the house, she gets up, draws on her eyebrows with a black pencil, fluffs her hair, applies her bronze-colored lipstick and liner, and puts on a silky blouse (some sort of combination of black and white) and goes downstairs to tidy her house. Over the course of 25 years she has raised 2 kids of her own, 2 adopted children, and has fostered hundreds of Delaware County’s displaced children. She loves Asian-influenced decor, cooking Italian food, and a good hoagie from DiCostanza’s. Every day she enjoys at least one glass of beer.

Perched on her couch with her legs curled beside her like a girl, she watches Court TV in the afternoons with a cold glass of Miller Lite sitting next to her. Occasionally she will pop an ice cube in her beer to keep it cold while she sips. When she gets up to get another one she feigns guilt and exclaims, in her South Philly accent, “Oh, that first one tasted so good to me, I need another one! Don’t tell nobody!” There is little more important to drinking beer like a lady than really enjoying your beer. You can put on your make-up or not, you can slide into a cocktail dress or a pair of blue jeans, but if you are chugging a PBR to get drunk or sipping a Blue Moon through gritted teeth–there’s just nothing lady-like about that.

Relaxing with a beer has long been described as a popular male past time but thanks to social progression and some creative brewing, relaxing with a beer has become a great way for us ladies to kick back as well. The rising popularity of microbrewing and imported beer has provided a much larger selection of beer available to the general public and some of the options have quite a unique, “feminine” quality to them. I have girlfriends that enjoy drinking a sweet beer like Lindeman’s Framboise Lambic (Red Raspberry brandy and White Belgian Beer combination) and some that enjoy a dark stout like Guinness. Whether you’re drinking a fine import like Chimay Rouge Ale or good ole American beer like Miller Lite, there is nothing more important than savoring the aroma and flavor of your favorite beer.

Of course, while truly appreciating beer is key to drinking beer like a lady, there is some etiquette involved. Us modern women, myself included, generally groan when someone brings up the topic of etiquette but, like it or not, there is some behavior that unacceptable, even when enjoying a casual past time like enjoying some suds. For instance, holding a beer in your hand does not give you permission to talk two-times louder than necessary, especially about something you wouldn’t even discuss with your mother at the dinner table. Myself and everyone around you does not want to hear the intimate details of your visit with the gynocologist. Also, everyone understand that beer can cause a little gas, so if you burp, kindly cover your mouth and excuse yourself. Do not belch and scratch your balls like your fat Uncle Charlie at a family barbeque. If someone sat next to you and belched in your face you would probably be grossed out. Abide by the oldest law of etiquette, “treat others as you would want to be treated.” Finally, (and most of us have been guilty of this at one point or another) we should all agree that pounding beers and getting sloppy drunk at the bar is not cute. No matter how sexy you are dressed, no matter how well you think you are carrying yourself, I can guarantee that everyone else who has managed to control their drinking finds it really sad that you are laughing too loud at jokes that aren’t funny while hanging onto the arm of some guy that is loading you up with beers so he can hang on to his fantasy that he is as smooth at the Dos Equis guy. Save it for your back yard with your closest friends if you really must get sloppy drunk.

Bottle or glass is a matter of preference and personally, drinking from a bottle is totally acceptable as long as you are not that girl who thinks it is cute to fondle the neck of your beer and trace your tongue around the lip of the bottle because you think your man will find it sexy and mildly suggestive. It’s not mildly suggestive, it’s totally slutty. Stop it. You do not need to be snooty and swish your beer around in your glass before you take a sip and hold it under your tongue for a few second before you swallow it. Leave that to the wine drinkers. Part of the fun of drinking beer is the casualness of it all. No need to put on airs–you are not better than everyone else because you’re drinking an import. Beer is a matter of taste and there are as many different preferences as there are people. Really, being a lady and being an enthusiastic beer drinker require the same main ingredient: respect. Respect a good beer, respect the people around you.

Finally, back to Aunt Bet and her passion for a good beer. When her doctor found out that she drinks a beer every day he advised that she cut her beer intake to lower her blood pressure. Aunt Bet, with a wide bronze smile, politely informed the young doctor while patting his hand that she intended on dying with a cold beer in her hand. Now that is a lady who loves her beer.

~ by thepaintedman on August 2, 2010.

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